


burn a hole in every heart

by doubtthestars



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Toni Kroos, Footy Ficathon, Gen, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, hold on to your butts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 07:56:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3201470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubtthestars/pseuds/doubtthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is patient. Love is kind.</p><p>Toni deals with not being in love with his soulmate. He finds love for himself instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	burn a hole in every heart

He is not in love with Mario. Mario is a comet streaking across his vision in a display of talent that leaves him breathless. 

He is everything Toni wanted to be at that age, and that makes him feel incredibly old. It isn't envy that surges through him every time he sees Mario on the pitch but it is some sort of longing tinged with the memory of a place by the sea that he never grew out of.

They meet unremarkably, during a training session for the National team. Toni is talking to Bastian about something and Thomas nudges into the conversation effortlessly with the grace of an elephant. 

"Look out, here come the newest additions." Thomas is gleeful. Toni doesn't know why he looks up because he had no reason to, Basti got distracted by his phone in the second that spanned forever for him. He felt off-kilter since the morning, like his body was preparing for a catastrophe, for the impact of a car crash in that one second.

Mario Goetze and Andre Schurrle looked as bright-eyed as any of them did when called up for the national team. His arm felt numb and Toni felt some sort of rightness descend on the world even as his stomach churned with panic and his arm, the name Mario echoed in his bones. 

He shakes it off. 

Thomas goes to welcome the new youngest members, Holger trails after him to greet the two. Miro and Poldi join the contingent which means he loses Bastian's concentration on their conversation again. Toni doesn't remember what they were even saying before the interruption and the numbness is spreading.

He wonders if he is too young to have a heart attack. 

(he is too healthy, he reminds himself he is a 21 year old footballer with strict dietary plans.)

Toni doesn't want to seem standoffish, even if Lahm and several others haven't glanced in the direction of the welcoming committee. 

Bile is crawling up his throat at the thought of taking the twenty steps to the others. He forces himself to take an unbalanced step in the direction. Toni Kroos is polite, even as inside Toni is writhing with anxiety, not wanting any sort of physical contact with anybody much less the body attached to the name on his arm. 

They shake hands and Mario inhales the wrong way, there is a shift in the air that forces him to cower behind Mesut. No one notices him edging away before Jogi breaks it up for laps.

Miro hangs back as Toni tidies up his part of the locker room. He is calmer than before, but he know after being partnered with the polish man for exercises that he has been caught.

Miroslav is his idol, in a way that makes his heart break with shame when he reveals what is beneath his long sleeves under his standard wrap. 

"I'm not gay, I'm not...anything." Toni hastily explains, not wanting to see the disappointment that had shaded his father's eyes reflect in Miro's. 

"Ah," is the older man's response but it is not cold or judging. He bites his tongue because he doesn't know how to explain that the name had appeared as a curse instead of a blessing and when it was a male name, his family had become distant. His mother's denial and subsequent everlasting hope at him bringing home a girlfriend made him ill. Felix was the only one who had shrugged it off. 

(Youre still my brother. You have taken care of me when I was throwing up from too much to drink and you have never failed at loving me, why would this change anything?)

Toni doesn't have a word for what he is, but his mind skirts around deficient like in Peter Pan. 

He looks up when Miro drops his bag onto a bench, flinching back at the sound. 

"Toni, you are a wonderful person, perhaps Mario needs you in his life whether or not you are involved, or _anything_ " Miro has so much compassion in his eyes that the boy who has walked on eggshells for too long sits still in Toni's chest and breathes in the arms of the striker as he hugs hims.

It isn't any easier to talk to Mario. 

Mario is the face of some new hope difficult to discern from walls being torn down and obsolete words still rolling on the tip of his tongue when he's too tired to think of the _right_ ones. It is a game of wits to talk to these kids with their rapid-fire lingo that feels like sand in his hands. 

Mario fits in with the team and Miro doesn't say anything about the bond but sometimes Toni feels the pressure of his gentle eyes urging him to spill the dregs of his heart to youngest international since Uwe Seeler. He was born in the same place as Holger but he wears it differently. 

Sometimes, he feels like he is holding ghosts of a different Germany in his soul, because they don't understand he is from _East_ Germany. They don't understand how fragile the scrawl on the back of his neck really is. _West_ Germany won the World Cup in 1990 and Toni Kroos is the last generation of Ossis playing for a team called just Germany.

He is months apart from Andre yet he understands Mario's bright language better than Toni ever could.

"Do you hate me?" Mario asks in the quiet morning. He doesn't look as put together as usual, but he is awake. Toni opens his mouth then shuts it with a click of his jaw. 

His skin feels stretch tight across his skull and his legs want to move from this moment into a future that does not have 'failure' stamped on it. Toni Kroos is inadequate for want. He has never felt that tug at his navel for somebody, never felt the need to claim a stake in somebody's bed. 

(He can love. He sees the beauty in other people's bodies, faces. He's gone on dates that have gone nowhere because people expect more than kisses and hugs, more than affection.) 

"No, you're my soulmate. That's worth something." The words fall clumsily off his tongue. It's what he's told himself many times before. It's worth something that he had a name on his arm since he was sixteen and football was his excuse for not dating, not bringing anybody back home. He had not grown up with any Marios and he had wondered if the name would take him on a journey away from home. Statistically, he had more of a chance in Italy or Spain. 

"So what is it worth then?" Mario doesn't look at him like he's staring down the distance between the ball and the net. There is no determination mixed with youthful bravado in his dark eyes. 

There is vulnerability. He is young with soft edges still left from childhood. He is harmless and Toni feels the weight of the three years between them crushing his shoulders like Atlas holding the world at bay. 

Toni had been so afraid of this bond that he had painted Mario into a corner, into the very person that would find him unacceptable as a bondmate without taking the time to know the boy.

"I'm sorry. I don't know that yet." He hopes Mario understands.

Bayern is everything Toni ever wanted as a child. Bastian and Javi making the midfield unstoppable. Toni belonged to the red and white. Philipp had been in the know about Mario since the start of the season and hadn't breathed a word of it to anybody else. He was comfortable with Lahm. He understood the strength of determination that it took to become first pick. 

They had both been loaned out over their careers but now they were where they belonged. Pep Guardiola took over the team and Toni had adjusted because it was working. 

But Pep wanted Mario from Dortmund and his throat closed up at the thought of being in the same club. 

He wasn't stupid. Mario would take it, even if he would be marked a traitor. He would join the ranks of Manuel with his tarnished loyalty, an angry legion of fans still spitting on his name after all these years.

(He texts Mario: _you will soar in Bayern._ Mario doesn't answer.)

Toni gets injured and misses important games, games that make history and he is angry at his body for keeping him away from them. Bastian dumps beer on him when he thinks he has scowled for enough time.

The season closes with a treble and Mario is hailed as Judas, selling his love for a few pieces of silver, for Bayern. Toni laughs at the epithet. If they only knew.

He gives Mario more chances to unfurl a story between them. He gives Mario pieces of himself along the way.

"You still play with Dortmund on FIFA?" Toni's eyebrow judged the man on his couch. Mario accused him with an eyebrow lift of his own. It devolved into making faces at the other until someone cracked a smile. Toni lost the game when he looked away to fight a grin.

"I'm used to taking turns with Marco for it. Besides, you can't judge me, you like pineapple on your pizza. Fruit on cheese does not belong." He declares as if it's a universally acknowledged truth. 

"It's healthy." Toni offers an excuse for his strange tastes as he shoots a long pass with his digital self. Mario snorts, but is trailing behind by half time.

They end the night curled together on the couch, illuminated by the glow of the television. Toni feels complete in the way he thought he never would be.

A month before they have to leave for South Tirol, he meets Mario's parents and brothers. 

"I didnt think-I thought you would--" He stutters for a moment trying to catch up to his thoughts. Was he ready to meet his soulmate's parents? Did he even want to? He didn't want to disappoint Mario and he did, he genuinely wanted to know if Mario looked more like his father or his mother, what his house looked like growing up. 

"Is it okay? I mean, do your parents know...." He wasn't sure how to phrase the question so he gestured. 

"It's okay Toni, it's not like they don't know who you are, they've seen you on TV and stuff. It's not an issue. They know I'm gay and you're not interested and it's worked out until now so they're not going to come for you with pitchforks or something." Mario smiles cheekily and Toni releases the breath that froze in his lungs with relief. 

"Should I bring a gift?" Mario laughs with as much enthusiasm as he has for everything in the world. Toni frowns. It is still customary to bring gifts for hosts when you're a stranger right? 

"Please, I like yellow for my corsage, yeah?" 

He brings daisies and every cheerful flower he sees in the shop and Mario's mother smiles like he does with dimples and it is enough for Toni, even at the expense of Mario's jokes.

He meets another Felix, this one sullen with resentment and admiration for a brother rising in fame. Toni gives him his Felix's number and some advice:

"Our fame takes a hit as we age and get injured and make mistakes. The support of our families is what stays in the rough times. Don't let this come between you two. Be happy he's still around."

Fabian looks unsure if he should warn him away or have a drink with him. 

He does both oddly enough. 

Over a drink, the older Goetze brother takes the time to congratulate him for his achievements with Bayern. It leads Toni into a false sense of security. Mario hugs him before leaving the two out on the porch to talk. The night is a bit sticky with heat but the intermittent breeze keeps them comfortable enough.

"It's strange. Mario always said he would never go for a footballer, and this is how it ends up being anyway." Toni hesitates, his shoulders tense. They hadn't really ever talked about it, how it was for them before the bond. 

He was surprisingly forthcoming with all his experience which added up to not much, but he knew Mario had had other partners. Toni still wasn't sure what he brought into Mario's life that would bond them together in a soul and heart way but he was trying to do his best. 

"I wasn't so picky I suppose." The pool of people who put up with Toni in a romantic sense was very small, but Mario could have the world eating out of his hand. There was just something so bright about him. It made people want to bask in it. 

Poldi was another one of those, with a smile like sunshine and a youthful spirit.

"Hmm, as long as you keep Mario happy, I won't have a problem with you. I don't pretend to understand how it works, but I do know bonds take work even if destiny conspired to bring the two of you together. It is human effort that makes it a good match."

Fabian left with that and Toni looked up at the sky for a moment before turning in himself.

The World Cup was all high energy and relaxation. It was a strange mix that made them stronger than other teams. They beat Portugal and he assisted Mats with a goal. They kept winning and Toni was ridiculously grateful Miro had put him and Mario in the same house, even if he had to fight with Andre for his soulmate's attention.

"He's my best friend, he's not competition. Besides without Marco here, the musketeers left have to stick together." Mario pouted as he raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sunlight drifting in. Toni flopped onto the bed and sprawled half on the other man, soaking up the warmth he emitted. 

"You share a room with him, he can see you at any other time." The sentence was muffled partially by the pillow mushed against his face. Mario swatted at the arm that was across his waist. 

"We're barely in our rooms! Shkodran probably thinks you're a vampire who doesn't need sleep by now." Toni chuckled a little.

"Vampires sleep during the day, don't they? Besides I would've burnt to a crisp in the Brazilian sun." His hand slowly creeps up to tickle the shorter man. 

"Oh for the love of--" Mario squirms beside him, laughing hysterically and flailing out his arms like a child. He rolls out from underneath the menacing hands to somehow sit on Toni. 

"You're already burnt, Kroos. You're halfway there. Besides that's why I emphasized a vampire who doesn't need sleep. If I had just said regular vampire then--" Toni interrupted him by scooting up on the headboard and jostling him.

"Can I kiss you?" Mario's eyes widened and he closed his mouth from blurting out whatever thought would come to him next. Toni licked his lips, trying to get the heat crawling up his face under control. It wasn't something they had done. Mario hadn't ever tried to initiate it, not sure how it would be received and Toni had taken his time getting comfortable with the idea.

"Are you sure? I mean of course, but only if you want to." Toni nods and Mario leans forward, rearranging his legs to straddle him. Their faces are centimeters apart when Mario huffs with amusement.

"I'm really nervous. I don't want to mess this up." He whispers. Toni makes a face. 

"I've kissed other people, you know." Mario looks at his lips as he talks at a normal volume. His eyes are darker with the pupil covering more area and Toni feels ridiculously flattered, gathering the courage to close the gap between them. 

His lips are soft, of course they are, Mario took grooming to a whole new level as far as Toni was concerned. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but it didn't happen. Nothing out of the ordinary happened to Toni as they kept their lips pressed against each other. Mario leaned back with a frown and Toni wished his blush wasn't from mortification. 

It was nice, just not--

Mario started laughing, loudly, abandoning all reason and dispelling the tension in the air.

"Oh my god, you're a tomato right now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You didn't feel anything right? It wasn't just me?" Toni looks away and Mario pats his hot cheek lightly.

"It's alright. That's just not how our bond works. It's okay. I still love you." It is earnest and Toni almost wants to shake him because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Mario was stuck with him and his useless self that didn't know how to be normal and actually be in love in a bondmate way.

"Hey, you're thinking too hard. It's fine, honestly." Mario's hands grab his own clenched fists.

There is an oddly serious expression on the younger Goetze and Toni is spiraling into misery. 

"Toni, talk to me. What's wrong?" He wants to bury himself under the covers like a child. He is disappointed. Toni had thought, maybe Mario would be the one to unlock some sort of level of passion that he hadn't discovered yet. He had thought out of everyone in the world, his soulmate could prove him wrong. 

He loved Mario but it wasn't enough. 

"I-I-I wanted it to work." He whispers looking down at a blurry mess of color. God, he just wanted to give Mario a normal bond. 

"Toni," Mario sat on the bed facing him but he still maneuvered himself to hug him and tuck his head under his chin. Toni let the tears fall and sniffled.

They were in one of the most beautiful places in the world doing what they loved and succeeding in making a name for themselves yet Toni felt so lost. It was absurd. He knew rationally, this is how it was. Toni Kroos wasn't going to fall in love with a pretty girl and have children. His parents were going to have to wait for Felix for grandchildren and Toni felt so guilty. 

Footballers couldn't be gay and Mario would never be able to come out until he retired, but Toni didn't even know what to say if asked. Asexuality meant budding and spores to people. It was for plants, not famous men like him. 

"I'm sorry." He was quietly remorseful. "You deserve better than me." Mario stiffened and Toni thought it was finally going to happen. He was going to realize what a mess Toni was.

"I'm not. I'm not sorry. So kissing isn't our thing. Whatever. But don't you dare say you're not good enough, Toni Kroos. You are amazing. You are fucking amazing and I don't know how you miss that when you look in a mirror. You make me happy, Toni. We're never going to get awards for being sappy soulmates in love but that's not what I want. Life made sure I had you because I need _you_ , not someone you think you should be." 

Mario hugs him tighter.

"Thank you."

The semi-final against Brazil made up his mind. He blew a kiss to the crowd, to the bench where Mario was. He assisted a legend. He made history. He almost did a hat-trick and he knew where he wanted to go from here.

"I'm going to Real Madrid." He tells Sami. Toni is confident in his decision. It had been eating away at him since the start of the summer but everything seemed clearer as Mario's acceptance kept him steady. He knew it was just a step in the right direction. He would be battling all of his negative thoughts for longer than he would like but for now, he knew he was enough. Toni Kroos was who he was, he was Weltmeister, he was Ossis, he wasn't interested in sex and that's that.

He is not in love with Mario Goetze, but he loves him like only he can because he is his soulmate. 

Sami claps a hand on his back with easy affection.

"You'll be great. They will love you there." He knows it's the right choice and smiles in relief at the approval from a friend.

Mario and Felix see him off in the airport. He feels settled as he hugs them goodbye, knowing it'll only be a while until he sees them again. He is going to Spain and joining one of the best clubs in the world, leaving another. 

The name on his arm had taken him on a journey. 

This was only the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> It's not so much a happy ending, as a new beginning. I'm sure I don't have the best experience being ace(or writing about it) but I really tried. idk. this is a mess.


End file.
